Interpersonal Communication Skills – Dave Kerpen
SUMMARY
When people know that you’re a person who does listen and understands others, not only they will they want to do business with you, but they will also want to be your best friend.
In this episode, Dave Kerpen, a best-selling author shares what important skills we need to learn and develop so we can create unforgettable connections and bonds with others.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
It’s not about selling; it’s about how you can truly add value with no strings attached.Differentiate yourself as the one who hears and understands people, and they will not only want to do business with you, but they will also adore you and want you to be their best friend.
If we embrace our authentic and vulnerable self, people respond.
Tell. Don’t sell. Nobody likes to be sold to, but everyone loves a good story.
Reframing the way your talk more along the lines of telling great stories is a very powerful people skills as well.
Doing acts of kindness and writing a gratitude list can help you transform your mood.
Your mood transfers to the person you’re speaking to.
Be fantastic not only in the way you speak but also in your actions.
TRANSCRIPTION: INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS – DAVE KERPEN
Luis Congdon
Hey, would you like to create more connection and influence in your life with the use of interpersonal communication skills?
Tune into today’s episode where we’re going to be discussing with our special guest how you can create more influence and connection instantly with anyone using interpersonal communication skills.
Dave Kerpen joins us today on Thriving Launch. He’s an incredible man, written a New York Times best-selling book, Serial Entrepreneur, raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for different charities. He’s been featured in Inc. magazine, CNBC, BBC, ABC, Tonight News, and CBS. He has been all over the place.
What’s most notable for me is that he’s an incredible connector and understands how to connect using interpersonal communication skills.
Today, we’ll be having him talk about how to create a connection, and how to influence people easily.
All right, Thriving Launchers, we’re here with Dave.
Without further ado, are you ready to launch Dave?
Dave Kerpen
Let’s do it!
Luis Congdon
All right, let’s do it.
One of the things you studied is how to connect with people, how to understand what makes people connect with you, and how to create connections through interpersonal communication skills.
What’s one of the first things we need to learn about being able to create a connection with anyone?
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Finding Common Ground With Anyone
Dave Kerpen
I think the most important thing is finding common ground with anyone, and drawing out that hard even when you think you’re different from someone. With a little work and asking the right questions, you can quickly find common ground, and work from there on connecting.
Kamala Chambers
I’d like to hear more about that. You said asking questions, and I think asking questions is a skill and an art form. It’s one of the crucial interpersonal communication skills.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Asking Questions
Kamala Chambers
Are there any tips you would give on how we can ask the right questions or ask questions to get people to come out of their shell a little more?
Dave Kerpen
Yeah, I have a list in my most recent book, The Art of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want about questions that matter. I learned from Larry Benet, who’s one of the greatest networkers in the world, the power of asking the right questions.
Many people, when they meet somebody, they ask, “How are you doing?” “What do you do for a living?” “Where are you from?” or “How about the weather?” It’s the same old stuff. Whereas if you ask questions like, “What project are you most excited about right now?” “What’s your favorite charity to support and why?”
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Get People To Talk About Things They’re Passionate About
Dave Kerpen
Those are questions that get to the heart of what people care about, and get people talking about things they’re passionate about.
Luis Congdon
Yeah, that’s important.
Did you have a thought there Kamala?
Kamala Chambers
Yeah, I was excited to hear a little bit more about what another kind of people skills and interpersonal communication skills you recommend that people develop.
Dave Kerpen
Sure.
There are 53 skills that I’ve talked about in my book. There’s obviously a lot, but I would start with listening.
Listening As One Of The Most Important Interpersonal Communication Skills
Dave Kerpen
Listening is the most underrated and most important skill in business and life.
Most of us think we are good listeners, but we aren’t. Most of us aren’t listening. We’re waiting to talk.
If you focus on one single skill to improve in your people skills, it’s listening. It’s listening for understanding.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Mirroring And Validating
Dave Kerpen
Then, if you want to take that to the next level, I would look at listening and then, follow it up with mirroring and validating. That’s empathizing with the person you’re talking with, and you’re listening to and walking in their shoes.
You’d be amazed how astounding the results are when you listen to, mirror, and validate other people. Most people aren’t listened to and don’t feel heard and understood.
Being The One Who Has Interpersonal Communication Skills
Dave Kerpen
When you can differentiate yourself and be the one that does listen and understand others, people will not only want to do business with you. They will adore you and want you to be their best friend.
Luis Congdon
You said something key there, and you said mirroring.
That’s something I understand, but I know it’s a very powerful tool for connecting with people. For everyone that’s listening right now, can you explain to us what mirroring means?
Dave Kerpen
Sure.
It means what it sounds. Essentially, when you are listening, it’s mirroring back pretty much exactly what you hear, and in the tone that you hear it.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Focus On The Other Person’s Emotions
Dave Kerpen
I would say that most important is to focus on the emotions of the person talking to you. This is an important and valuable interpersonal communication skills not only for business relationships but personal relationships.
Let’s say one of my employees was frustrated about something and came to me saying, “Hey, I’m frustrated about this email somebody sent.”
Instead of me trying to solve the problem, it would be more powerful for me to say, “Rob, I hear you. I hear you saying you’re frustrated about the email that Ali sent you.” That single act alone will help Rob feel listened to and understood in a very powerful way.
Creating Unforgettable Bond Through Interpersonal Communication Skills
Dave Kerpen
Then, if we take that a step further to validating, I might say something like, “Ugh! It must be frustrating and just difficult when you get emails like that. Ugh! That must be frustrating.” By doing that authentically and by walking in the other person’s shoes, you help to create that connection and bond that Rob will never forget.
He might not even realize it, but he will feel connected to me when I come listening and understanding him.
Kamala Chambers
I notice that so much just being able to repeat back what you hear to someone.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Body Mirroring
Kamala Chambers
Then also, one thing I’ve learned is doing body mirroring too.
If someone puts their hand on their cheek, you also put your hand on your cheek as a subliminal way of showing you’re relating to them. That’s an interesting one I found works.
I’d love to hear some more of your tips.
Dave Kerpen
Sure.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Always Take The Water
Dave Kerpen
I’ve got tips ranging from sort of deep, powerful stuff like mirroring and validating. Two very simple things like always take the water.
When you show up to a meeting, and somebody offers you water or coffee, often, people say “No.” They don’t want to put the other person out, but it’s important and valuable to say “Yes” and take the water.
If you are hosting someone in your home and somebody came over to your house, and said, “Hey, welcome. Would you like some water?” and they said,” No, I’m okay.” and you said, “Are you sure? I’m happy to give you some water, some lemonade. What can I get you?” and they said, “No. I’m all right.”
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Letting The Person You’re Meeting Feel Like A Good Host
Dave Kerpen
You would feel annoyed and unworthy as the host. So why would you ever put somebody in that situation in the business setting? Instead, take the water or coffee, gladly accept and let the person you’re meeting with feel like a good host.
Luis Congdon
That’s good.
What are some of the mistakes you often see when people want to create a connection?
For me, it’s like being at the gym. I see somebody making these mistakes, and I just wish I could tap them and say “Hey if you make this little correction, you’re going to get so much more value. It’s small, but it’ll make the world a difference,” and I see certain things all the time.
What are some things you see quite often?
Dave Kerpen
First of all, if you see me at the gym, I hope you will, in fact, correct my behavior because I’m not a very good at exercising myself, and I can use all the help I can get.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Correcting People And Saying It In The Right Way
Dave Kerpen
If you say it in the right way, I’ll bet you anything people will appreciate your help in that situation.
Luis Congdon
Gosh. With the gym, that makes sense. But in a social dynamic, I’ve seen somebody trying to close a business deal or get to know someone that would be very life-changing for them to know, and I just know what I could say to them to help them, or I’ve seen people at job interviews when we’re employing staff.
I just wish I could say, “if you made this little difference, just presented this differently or ask me a couple more questions, you would score so much higher.” but it’s hard so let’s give you the opportunity right now.
What are some of the things that sometimes you just wish you could tap them on the shoulder and say, “Hey, buddy? Let me give you two pointers.”
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Focus On Others
Dave Kerpen
Yeah. Great point and I think the biggest thing has to do with people’s focus on themselves versus others. It’s much related to this concept of listening that we talked about.
When people want to make any communication, they obviously have a goal in mind. Often, they let that goal interfere with their ability to build the relationship the right way.
We know this in the back of our head somewhere.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Provide Value And Be Helpful First
Dave Kerpen
The right way is always to provide value and be helpful first. “Show your friendship first,” my father-in-law used to tell me.
And yet, so often, we’re focused on that goal we have that we jump right out of the gates going for the deal, or sale, or connection, or whatever it is.
Take LinkedIn connections. I get dozens of requests a day, and people send me this connection requests with either no context or worst yet, with a note asking for 30 minutes of my time to sell me something. That’s ludicrous.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Give People Some Social Context
Dave Kerpen
If you have the opportunity, instead, reach out, give people some social context or mutual connections, and figure out how you can offer people valuable content.
I speak all over the world. When I talk to college students, I say “You guys could probably reach out to any Fortune 500 CEO in the world right now via LinkedIn. They could say, “I would love to meet you, and I would love to spend 15 minutes of my time demonstrating how it is that my generation uses Snapchat to communicate with people. It’s because Snapchat represents this massively different way of communicating. It’s a different paradigm that Fortune 500 CEOs have no clue about.”
If I got that email or that note, I would be like, “Wow, that’s cool, awesome. Sure. I’ll give somebody 15 minutes of my time.”
It’s all about thinking about how you can add value for the other person.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Adding More Value Without Strings Attached
Dave Kerpen
When you make that paradigm shift, the world just changes instantly for you.
Kamala Chambers
What do you say is probably one of the biggest people skills and interpersonal communication skills we’re missing out on in modern society?
That point you just brought up made me think about what is it we’re missing most?
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Being Authentic And Vulnerable
Dave Kerpen
Another important one is authenticity or what I would even say vulnerability.
Oprah said, “If I’d realized being my vulnerable, authentic self would have made me this rich, I would have done it a lot sooner.”
So often, we put on a front. We put on a mask, and we try to be somebody that we’re not.
Using Interpersonal Communication Skills Can Build Credibility And Trust Powerfully
Dave Kerpen
I’ll never forget the first time I cried at an executive leadership meeting. As I was crying, I was thinking, “Oh my goodness. Is this going to make me look weak and make my executive team doubt me?” The opposite thing happened. I was able to build credibility and trust in a very powerful way.
We all started to cry when everyone was super vulnerable, but we all ended up being much stronger as an executive team, and much more trusting of each other.
Another one I think is important, and perhaps a little cliché is story telling. I like to say, “Tell. Don’t sell.”
Dave Kerpen
As important as listening, eventually, it’s helpful to talk when you’re having a conversation with someone.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Reframing How You Talk About Things
Dave Kerpen
If you can reframe how you speak about things, your company, product, or life more along the lines of telling great stories that bring to life whatever it is you want to talk about versus selling people, I think that is very powerful people skills as well.
Kamala Chambers
I love that.
Before we go today, are there any last tips or action steps you would say to the Thriving Launchers to go out and start applying?
Dave Kerpen
Here’s another one that makes an enormous difference in your life.
When people ask you how you’re doing, most people say, “Okay,” or “Fine,” or “Busy,” or “Tired.”
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Be Fantastic In Your Actions
Dave Kerpen
I’m going to challenge you next time, if somebody asks you how you’re doing, answering the way I always answer when people ask me how I’m doing, which is “Fantastic!” See, we all have mirror neurons inside of ourselves that mirror the person that is speaking to us, and if we are fantastic, that mood will transfer, and if we are doing lousy or tired or busy, that feeling will transfer as well.
It’s a very powerful tool to be able to not only say you’re fantastic but be fantastic in your actions that you’re having with people.
Of course, there are times where you might not authentically be feeling fantastic, and I will challenge you at those times to use my two favorite hacks. Both are very simple and very powerful.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Do Acts Of Kindness
Dave Kerpen
One is acts of kindness.
Go out and give a few dollars to a homeless person. Hold the door for the next five people who come into your office building. Call your mother.
Interpersonal Communication Skills – Writing A Gratitude List
Dave Kerpen
The other is to write a gratitude list. Write a thank you card. Think of 20 things and people you’re grateful for.
Luis Congdon
I love that.
One of the things Thriving Launchers I got out of this interview, and I hope you did too is you have so much power.
Having The Power To Practice These Interpersonal Communication Skills
Luis Congdon
You have more power than you know, and if you are leading with this as Dave was putting it, fantastic.
You can lead with this energy of “You’re doing well! “You’re excited.” “What’s up? How are you? It’s so great to meet you.” “Let’s chat.” “How’s your day going?
If you’re leading with that kind of energy, you can impact and reach into someone’s life, and affect them, and change them, and you don’t even have to try to influence them because they will without even knowing it, mirror your mood. Without even knowing it, they will shift.
Take Action And Implement One Of The Interpersonal Communication Skills
Luis Congdon
We have this great ability to influence people, and that translates to sales, business, and to what you do as a coach. It translates to what you do as a mom, dad, or friend. That’s my take away. I don’t know what your take away was guys, but I hope you got something out of it.
Got ahead, go out there, take something to action, and keep thriving.
